Similar to vacations, the winter holidays are a time when we set potentially unrealistic expectations for ourselves and our families. When those expectations aren’t met, we become angry, frustrated, and disappointed, which ruins our holiday experience and that of our family and friends who have to deal with our disappointment.
Did you know that we often undermine ourselves with our own (maybe unrealistic) expectations?
It could be as simple as taking on more shopping than what you can reasonably get done, which means you have to take your kids shopping when they would much rather be at home playing with their toys. When they whine or misbehave because they are tired or bored, you lose your cool.
Or you hope that everyone will get along at the family holiday party even though you know that your brother and sister-in-law always get into an argument on the way to the party, bringing their frustration in and lashing out at everyone else in attendance. When this happens (again), you become angry and frustrated, adding more tension to the mix.
The only set of expectations we can control are our own (and even those are sometimes difficult to meet).
So what to do?
1–Spend time thinking about what your expectations are and why you have them. Does everyone really have to get along? Does everyone really have to be invited? Do we really have to have the green bean casserole which no one even likes prepared by the same person every year? What are the musts in your life and why are they there?
2–Be sure to communicate your realistic expectations.
How many times have we fully believed that people should just know the expectations you have in your head? For example, that dinner is always at 4. Don’t assume, say it. Even put it in writing. Another example may be your desire to have your kids dress nicely for a religious service, tell them in advance and let them help pick the outfits. Tell them that this is the only event where you want to have control over their clothing, which makes them more likely to cooperate because they know they will have freedom for other holiday events. You may also want to put this in writing: that at any event they still must wear pants. (Yes, in a perfect world your kids would dress adorably every day of the week, but our world is not perfect.)
3–Set realistic expectations for how you will manage your feelings when/if your expectations aren’t met.
You may experience disappointment and anger, but those probably aren’t the feelings you want to bring to a religious service or holiday party. So make a plan for how you will deal with any unpleasant feelings you have. Think about it in advance. Step outside and get some fresh air. Bring a book and disappear for 10 minutes to read and calm down. Most importantly, know that for whatever reason holidays and families coming together often is triggering. Sometimes we revert right back to our childhood roles, despite out best efforts. Do a little gameday-ready prep to get in the right mental space. Promise yourself that you will not allow your peace to be disturbed. You can break patterns. You are powerful. And not allowing yourself to be moved off your square is power. Do not give a set of expectations the power. Live in all the beauty that is your reality and appreciate every moment. Even the crazy ones!