How can we show more empathy to others? How can we show more empathy for ourselves? Perhaps the hardest thing about relating to others is the ever-sneaky way that judgment creeps in.
We’re all stuck inside our own heads and subject to our own emotions so that is what feels comfortable to us (even if sometimes we don’t like it). That is our “normal.” We see the world in a certain way that is unique to us, which is both wonderful and challenging.
To have empathy for another person means we have to, as best as we can, remove judgment from our thinking. We can’t look at the other person’s situation in their shoes if we are still stuck firmly in ours with our laces tied tight. We have to let go of any judgment we may feel about whatever situation they are in. And that can be HARD!
You may find yourself, while in the midst of conversation, thinking, “I would never do that!” or “Why does she/he do that?” If this is the case, you’re veering into judgment. Empathy means that you’re trying to be with the person in their situation, from their perspective. If you can’t understand it from your perspective, it is because you are still in your perspective.
If you find yourself thinking questions like the ones above, consider the emotion you’re feeling that may be leading to a sense of judgment. Has something the person said made you feel anxious? Sad? Angry? Before we can understand the feelings of others, we have to be aware of the feelings within ourselves and deal with those.
As we practice empathy, we may need to literally tell ourselves to “step out of judgment” whenever we hear our minds asking such questions. Our minds need to be focused on listening to whomever we’re speaking with, not thinking about why they made a decision we might view as silly or what we would have done differently if it were us.
Empathy is a skill that takes practice and sometimes we will feel judgment. What is important, though, is to acknowledge it, understand the feelings that prompt it, and work on putting ourselves back in the other person’s perspective. Being aware of these thoughts and automatic responses will help us lead a life that is filled with more empathy for others. And, an amazing thing happens when we are able to make this a practice– we have tons more empathy for ourselves which is a very beautiful thing.